[photo by Elizabeth Brooke]
A long-acting, beta-adrenergic agonist, METU-OBITAL,
a hollow glass pill meant to be taken once daily at
any sign of a prodding thought, is created for use
in patients with severe hypochondriasis.
When taken correctly to prevent imagined illnesses,
METU-OBITAL has been found to turn the user into a
tree, speckled green smooth and wet. METU-OBITAL
has a failure rate of approximately 7.94% per 100
woman per year of use when taken without breaking
any pills between blue pinched fingers. METU-OBITAL
has a failure rate of .05% per 100 woman per year
of use when treated like a mirror not even swallowed,
the teeny-you on it’s lass surface, cackling red-faced
and dying.
In some cases, METU-OBITAL may invoke insomniac
memories of lying in small beds convinced of the
parade of lumps swimming like schools of fish
under chest plate and breasts; difficulty breathing
in moments when you’re paying particular attention
to your breathing [see Warnings and Precautions
(5.1)]; self-fulfilling prophecies of psychosis
(caffeine-induced, possibly—but schizophrenia is
just ripe at 20 most times); and passing on your
paranoia to friends and lovers who will also start
to become paranoid about the tint of their fingernails
and was that part of their rib cage always that shape?
Single subject case controlled studies have shown
METU-OBITAL to form oscillating wind-turbine shadows
from above on the users sitting below an empty ceiling,
far from any place where actual wind turbines churn.
This product (like all other smooth, glassy swallowing
agents) does not protect against depersonalization,
derealization, the smell of fruit in rot (thick and
sweet and sickly), or the development of illness.
If any of the above described adverse effects occur
while taking METU-OBITAL, it is recommended that
patients immediately and vehemently do not contact
any healthcare professionals, emergency rooms, or watch
any movies about cancer.